I can't help that I'm human, I can't help that I succumb to petty feelings of jealousy. But am I wrong? We are practically spoon fed the concept of love as a man and woman from childhood, so in theory I am the abnormal one. In my heart, however, I feel I should not be at blame. It's just the way I am. I believe I was born this way, I didn't randomly choose a lifestyle that would create such awkward complications. As a Leo I am the one who craves attention, but within a relationship I naturally wish to shower my significant other with adoration. This little game of simple touches or intimate glances is barely enough to sustain me within the public eye, I wish so much that I could proclaim or even flaunt my feelings openly. We go out and I see dozens of heterosexual couples holding hands or kissing each other on the spot and it's like my heart is being squeezed by an anxious grasp. I become so green with envy but I merely bite my lip and look upon her with as much love as possible, but even then I hold back because I do not want to make her feel uncomfortable or raise too much suspicion. I hear stories of homophobia or abuse constantly, but usually I keep it at the back of my mind because I live my life without thinking of myself as different. It is not until a demonstrative situation occurs that I must confront what I really am: a taboo. Then the anger settles in, the frustration over such ignorance. I wish that I could go on a date with my girlfriend and hold her hand or kiss her cheek, I wish we didn't have to sneak or hide our intimacy like it's something we should be scared or ashamed of. I feel like if there is a God, they are the only with the right to judge. I wish people didn't naturally fear difference, I wish they thought individually and adapted an open mind as well as a heart capable of unconditional love. I fear I will always have to hide a part of who I am, and it's not fair but it's how it has to be. I have to be considerate, withdrawn, polite, or whatever bullshit excuse you fancy. I'm tired of having to hide, having to be quiet or not completely honest, I'm tired of the judgments and accusations. The tears are coming and they won't stop. Why is it so wrong? I'm human and love comes naturally. I can't help that she has a vagina. A part of me wants to say sorry, but when I think that I get angry because I feel that there is nothing to be sorry for. It's not wrong to be in love. It's not wrong to want to express it. I'm not a freak, I don't have a disease, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm practically clutching my sides and repeating these words like a cooing chant.
I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.
I want to be myself but I'm afraid to.
That's so twisted.
Not fair, not right, not fathomable.
I pray that things will change
but I don't believe they will.
Life will never be that easy.
I save all my wishes for you.
Ever eyelash or dandelion,
Every time 11:11 hits the clock,
Each time a star shoots across the sky,
Or when I just feel like wishing.
Most of the time, though...
I only wish everything will be okay.
Thats what they said with slavery, dear, and it changed, it just needs time and patience from the people who endure the pain. Already we've made progress and though the progress has brought the uglier side of some people I have no doubt that soon we'll overcome those people. We're all hiding something, every single one of us is hiding a huge part of ourselves in fear, especially those who are self-righteous, they hide the biggest piece. Just know that while you hide it the person next to you is hiding something too, even the person in front and behind. Whether it be that they like beating on children, or the other enjoys the fetish of torture, or that the person behind you once raped someone, they are all hiding something big, it's just who we are. Just like how you were born to love women in a way that a man cannot, with understanding and the upper hand.
ReplyDeleteIt literally pains me to read this. I try so hard to shelter you from pain or, when I can't, to beat the shit out of who/whatever has caused it. But with this...there is no suitable outlet. You have no idea how much this very subject matters to me, how often I think about it and become so enraged and full of sorrow at the same time. It isn't right, not the way they condemn you for being who you are, nor the way they think they can judge in the first place. Know this: you are NOT a freak and you most certainly are not abnormal in any negative sense. Your friend up there is right, though. Time is the only solution in the long run. People, for all their faults, CAN change. Hold onto that, keep it close when you want to lash out. And please, PLEASE don't ever think the way to fight hate is with hate, because it isn't. You have to love, not only yourself and your partner, but everyone around you. Because you're right by saying it isn't wrong to love. Love reminds us of all the good things in ourselves and in others. Please remember that, as well as the fact that you will always be loved by me for exactly who you are, gay genes and all.
ReplyDeleteOh, and now that I've been all serious n shit...
ReplyDeleteI GEEKED OUT OVER YOUR POEM AT THE END!!!
It was so BOO-TI-FUL! *starts sobbing uncontrollably out of grief/inappropriately-timed appreciation of the lyrical poetic geniusness*