I can't wait to meet you.

I've always liked the idea of adopting. Taking in a child who is being deprived of a loving home is definitely more appealing than going through an awkward process and pushing out a purpleish blob nine months later. But seriously, I fell in love with the idea of having an Asian daughter in middle school. To this day I sometimes catch myself daydreaming, and she will be all I have ever dreamed of and more.

yes, another letter.

Dear Baby Girl,

You're always on my mind. I think about the day I'll wander into an adoption center, and how in one instant I'll see you and realize it was meant to be. I'll take your tiny little hand in mine and together we'll start our family. I can't promise there will be another mother for you beside me, but I will try. I will try, above all, to keep love in your life.

I'd like to imagine that the friends I have now will stay in my life because I also want them to meet you. My sister -- your aunt -- has teased me for years, but she already loves you. She's funny, you'll like her. In fact, our entire family is full of funny people so you will grow up with a healthy amount of humor. Your grandmother will spoil you rotten, and maybe you'll get to face your great grandpa in chess (don't worry, I'll teach you).

I'm not sure where I'll be in life when we're together, but I promise to take care of you. I promise that each day will be a new adventure for us, and I will do my best to keep you healthy and happy. I won't ever force anything on you, and I'll let you express yourself (I claim the right to dress you up and whatnot when you're a baby, though). As you grow older, we'll be a team. I'll have some rules, but for the most part I'll be liberal. I want you to know that I'll always be there, and that you can talk to me. I want us to have a lot of trust in each other and be able to hang out without tension.

I won't lie to you, Baby Girl: I am worried. I worry that I'm being selfish by wanting you, and we will live a prejudiced life. People will see us as two different ethnicities, and I may be judged as a woman incapable of raising you properly without your culture. More importantly, my orientation will take its toll on you eventually. You will go into school and peer pressure will kick in. I only hope that I have the strength to go through with this, knowing only that I already love and want you enough to fight for that right. I also worry that you won't return my love, growing up to spite me for what I'm putting you through. I worry that you'll hate that I'm gay, I worry that you'll hate that I'm agnostic, I worry that you'll shut me out of your life.

I want you to understand. Please, understand how much I will have gone through just to have you. Understand that I am who I am, and also a person who loves you unconditionally. Understand that really, that's all that will matter. We will find a way through it all, and I will raise you the best I can. I may have adopted you, but in my heart you will be my daughter.

The day I walk into the adoption center, smile real big for me.

That's how I'll find you.

Baby Girl, I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Mom.