Monday, March 15, 2010

intimacy or intimidation?

Philosophy praises the agnostic, or the ignorant non-believer that stands by the mindset of "I don't know". The idea of relying on faith alone is both something I've always admired and doubted within religion. The passion, the emotion, the hope... the idea that a person can believe with all of their heart or entire being that someone or something is real. In THAT sense religion can be endearing to me. Better still, it not only can bring people together but also make a person feel more at ease or fufilled within themselves. I yearn for that absolute faith that everything will be okay, the day even the little doubts will melt away.

Although private, my introduction to one significant person many months ago threw my beliefs off balance. Not to say I've ever successfully managed balance, but they had a very impressive story to share. I could not help but give my full attention, and realize as they spoke that this was not only very serious, but also very true. Ever since that day of enlightenment, I have on and off contemplated my religious standpoint... and finally picked up where I left off on my internal debate. I found comfort in that standstill I was at, content in the idea that not knowing was safe although not as fufilling. Atheism proved too lonely, honestly. I finally started to grasp awkwardly onto prayer, still unsure of "who" I was talking to but feeling somewhat happy in the idea that someone could be listening. Anywhere from the inside of my car to on a toilet, I talked to this invisible person. In my head, out loud, laughing, rambling, crying... I took on no modesty as I confided. In fact, based on my favorite quote from the book The Color Purple, I have for a long time now appreciated the little things in life more. An example would be that while driving a bird may fly by in my view and I can't help but sigh and smile because the grace of it is calming. I told my sister this (who by the way is very settled within her faith), and she smiled and told me that God not only created that bird for me to see, but I should be grateful for the happy feeling it gives me. I found truth in this, but still apologized for holding on to "I don't know" when it comes to God. She shook her head, not wanting to rush me because as she said it is a personal journey.

And yet.
She worries. You cannot believe in God without believing in the devil, same is true for believing in both a heaven and hell. Based upon the story of that signifant person, I have specific worries. The story made me believe in something I never thought I would, but the imbalance of little faith is where the trouble is. I refuse to rush my journey, I believe my enlightenment will come in time through my own efforts but I am thankful for meeting this significant person. I am thankful for becoming less ignorant, for there are way too many people who comfortly remain that way and never reach genuine fufillment. I still have my questions and doubt, but I feel more at ease knowing that I am heading in a positive direction. Possibly my biggest fear is rejection by God because I am gay, but like my sister and many others I don't believe homosexuality is a sin. Moreover, to love is not a sin. Another favorite quote of mine is from L Word (laugh if you must), when the conservative father of Bette asks what she will do on the day of judgment. She responds simply, "I will say I am your creation, and I am proud."

Time will only tell from here.

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