The closest I've ever come to religious faith is the belief in not a God, but a guardian.
In truth I'm an accident-prone type of person not only due to a lack of common sense at times or ditsy-ness, but in general I have a lot of "almosts" that I've survived. My sister once told me that she felt like she possessed an "elderly spirit", and I believe her because I remember when we used to visit relatives in nursing homes old people would gravitate towards her. They would stop and stare or smile, take her hand instinctively, and look upon her like they would after being reunited with a long lost friend. When I then took my own spirit into consideration the conclusion I came up with was that mine is her polar opposite; that is, I have a childlike spirit. I have always felt a childish enthusiasm within my heart, and I've noticed that the type of people I attract in my life are those who demonstrate protectiveness over me.
As far as the guardian goes, I first felt this way after recalling one of my earliest childhood memories. Once, when I was a toddler in Hawaii, the current took me miles from my parents. I remember (in detail) walking along the sand for what felt like hours until I came upon a small white shack with a truck parked in front. Beside it were two Hispanic men talking and without even thinking about it I walked up and told one of them that I was looking for my Mommy. The next flash of memory depicts me sitting upfront in the truck, and the man attempts joking with me by saying that I shouldn't talk to strangers. I even remember him turning onto a certain street, but after that it skips to us arriving in a parking lot where my mom and others come running towards the car. I was too young to realize how lucky I was for surviving this situation, but now is a completely different story. I feel like my guardian was given to me that day because I needed to be lead onto the right path again.
That's exactly how I feel about my guardian. More so, I feel like it's in the form of a male... like an older brother. I feel like he's the one that's constantly altering my perspective so that I see things I'm usually blind to, or the one jerking me back when I come close to falling (in many senses). It could be something as simple as messing with my radio, looking up and putting on the brakes because I wasn't paying attention. I feel like HE is the one tugging at the back of my head at that crucial moment before an accident happens as if yelling "pay attention, dummy!" Luckily I'm the type of person who knows how to laugh at myself, and sometimes I catch myself looking over my shoulder and smiling because I feel a comforting presence that's always been there.
In a way that is what makes me the agnostic that leans more towards faith rather than atheism. The aspect that I am not alone, that someone out there is concerned for me and wishes the best is comforting. I am thankful for feeling this way, and even if guardians truly don't exist I still feel the warmth in my heart.
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