growth.

I feel so refreshed.

Perfection will remain out of grasp (and for good reason), but the smile dancing on my lips is genuine. My financial insecurities have held me back at a stand-still for quite some time, but at last I am moving forward again and taking hold of those reins. I have an interview this weekend with Best Buy and my chances are very high. I have my new friend Justen to thank for that, and his friendship has also helped "free" me from my irksome routines. He is a technical geek with his own Nikon D90, and his room is filled with technology. Just the other day we packed his car with equipment and had a random photoshoot with Shelby. Quite frankly, he is helping boost my confidence. He is teaching me about cameras and their settings, about photoshop and lightroom, and helping me gain experience and continue further with photography. I believe in coincidences, so the fact that I randomly called him that day asking if Best Buy was hiring was meant to be. Thus, a very spontaneous friendship I can learn and grow from is born.

I'm so grateful.

opposite wars.

My clenched jaw is sore, my teeth barricade the words I want so desperately to convey. Dealing with a specific conflict is one thing, but when the problem in question is the person's very skin, I hesitate. Not her skin really, but her entire persona all together that wraps her into a cocoon that is anything but endearing at times. I have made a habit of fancying opposites in a sister, a lover, and even a best friend. "Opposites attract" holds true thus far in romance, but over the last two years the one friendship I held most dear has crumbled again and again.
In truth, I acknowledged the differences Taylor and I had even in the beginning. The difference between then and now, however, is that back then I held my tongue. I stood by that loyalty that meant friends loved each other unconditionally, and accepted her faults and all. When her faults began to get too irksome, I created distance. I didn't hang out with her for a period of time and thus the frustration melted away and I began to miss her again. Now and especially lately, though, I can't seem to brush my feelings aside when Taylor's true colors come out. I rebel even, expressing opposition to most of her viewpoints. We don't get into normal arguments. Instead, one feels that the other is backing them into a patronizing corner and our most common reaction is to be defensive and lash out. Taylor's favorite habit is to inflate conflicts by pointing fingers. She'll suddenly turn on me, pinpointing my flaws because she will literally argue her standpoint til she is blue in the face. I have learned that it is OKAY to be wrong sometimes and I can say with full confidence that unlike her I know when to quit. She, however, will only degrade herself further by feeding the fire. She holds herself high above others and can be so unbelievably ignorant despite her feelings of superiority. I'm tired of this war. Most of all, I'm tired of being the only one who fights for her. Who actually fucking tries. Instead of hiding behind the internet or her phone, she never confronts conflict directly. I called her the other night because we were texting obnoxiously and it wasn't getting anywhere. But apparently watching a movie with her "boyfriend" was too important to pause even when I left a message saying that I was also calling for the sake of our friendship. Taylor's internet relationships is one thing that has always bugged me, but I learned to accept it. There have even been times where people have started to analyze her and make fun of her but I stood up for her and told them they had no idea who she was or what she's gone through, so I shut them up. But the fact that an internet relationship was favored above a real friendship annoys me more than anyone can possibly imagine.

I didn't write this to stir up another war. Quite honestly, if Tay chooses to comment this I will delete every single one as she once did for one of my comments on hers. I wrote this to get my feelings out before I say one last goodbye. I was foolish to choose an opposite for a best friend, so a normal acquaintanceship or small friendship will be all I will tolerate between her and I.

Enough.

mirror test:

A puff of hot breath or the aftermath of a steamy shower creates a barrier between my reflection and I. With my hand I swipe through the fog until a pair of eyes oppose mine, identical. I ignore the smear and tilt my head. Unlike most, I don't see translucent strings rising into the hands of a conformist puppeteer. I do see lips with rebellious, defying opinions hanging on the rim, however. It has its share of scars and peeling due to many years of anxious biting, but I take pride in having a big mouth as opposed to one that is small or meek. I raise my hand to my neck, gently tapping a string of freckles... I smile, remembering how someone special once pointed out that it looked like a necklace of brown dots. My hand falls limp to my side, outling my inherited wide hips. I click my tongue in a Tinkerbell-inspired pout, but in truth I no longer feel disdain for the similarities I share with my mother. I take pride in what I have, but that doesn't mean I can't pursue weight loss. The reason? Certainly not peer pressure, much less am I hopping on the bandwagon to embrace the ideal image of a woman's body. No, keep your calculated diets and empty bellies. I'll live up to an ambition at my own pace.

The "test" is simple. Look at yourself in a mirror and make a description of what you see ranging anywhere from personality flaws to raw limbs. It's healthy to like yourself as you are, but no one's perfect. Here I am, admitting that I'm content with myself but striving for a little more.

sunspots on her ear

I had a dream that I was on the tip of that dandelion you blew, making a wish that made me smile. the feathered tidbits flew into the sky and danced and tickled your face, and I landed on your ear. I went down as if on a slide, playing connect-the-dots with your three cute sunspots. as your hand gravitated towards your itch, I threw my body on your dimple and felt like I was in a garden because your cheeks were rosy. my mouth curled into a side smile -- hidden -- and I looked up in awe at your two pools of aqua-colored eyes. I saw dolphins leaping, and my mind was overtaken by nostalgic memories. I shielded my own eyes as copper streaks in your hair glimmered up above, masked in golds as well as bronze. for one reason or another your smile recedes and I find refuge by lounging on your nose, causing your eyes to cross. I laugh silently and find myself placed on your palm, leaning in sheepishly to kiss you. I know you are bigger, but I close my eyes anyway.

then they opened, the dream was over but there you were

hovering above me with a smile."aw, you fell asleep?"

I love upside down kisses.

oh and I'm feeling

directionless yes, but that's to be expected
and I know that best.
-T&S

soil, soil.


I feel like everyone has such great expectations that I can't always live up to. I feel like I am a rope that is being tugged on, one ligament at a time. My fibers are frazzled, my ends are split. I try to divide myself evenly but find I'm not gifted with balance. Some people I coil around protectively but there are others I'd rather ensnare or whip fiercely. There are a selective few I bind myself to, committing to them eternally and asking them humbly to never let me go. Other times...I just want the game to be over and for everyone to let me fall to the ground.

I had a dream

and there was one thing that stuck out in my mind.

"I want a girl with dust in her eyes"

In the dream I was in a classroom. Instead of challenging the symbolism, my classmates laughed at me... or whoever was in my perspective. I never see myself in my dreams. Anyway, I woke up and couldn't shake the quote.

Possible imagery/

Dust:

1. a low or humble condition

2. disturbace; turmoil

3. debris; junk

alt...

throw dust in someone's eyes: to mislead; deceive:

So far it all seems so negative. The most in depth I got was that I wanted someone humble, but who still expresses their grief. I don't want someone misleading however, so the dream has me stumped. Why are all of my dreams so strangely abstract? It's always too early for symbolism.

endurance slipping

I can't help that I'm human, I can't help that I succumb to petty feelings of jealousy. But am I wrong? We are practically spoon fed the concept of love as a man and woman from childhood, so in theory I am the abnormal one. In my heart, however, I feel I should not be at blame. It's just the way I am. I believe I was born this way, I didn't randomly choose a lifestyle that would create such awkward complications. As a Leo I am the one who craves attention, but within a relationship I naturally wish to shower my significant other with adoration. This little game of simple touches or intimate glances is barely enough to sustain me within the public eye, I wish so much that I could proclaim or even flaunt my feelings openly. We go out and I see dozens of heterosexual couples holding hands or kissing each other on the spot and it's like my heart is being squeezed by an anxious grasp. I become so green with envy but I merely bite my lip and look upon her with as much love as possible, but even then I hold back because I do not want to make her feel uncomfortable or raise too much suspicion. I hear stories of homophobia or abuse constantly, but usually I keep it at the back of my mind because I live my life without thinking of myself as different. It is not until a demonstrative situation occurs that I must confront what I really am: a taboo. Then the anger settles in, the frustration over such ignorance. I wish that I could go on a date with my girlfriend and hold her hand or kiss her cheek, I wish we didn't have to sneak or hide our intimacy like it's something we should be scared or ashamed of. I feel like if there is a God, they are the only with the right to judge. I wish people didn't naturally fear difference, I wish they thought individually and adapted an open mind as well as a heart capable of unconditional love. I fear I will always have to hide a part of who I am, and it's not fair but it's how it has to be. I have to be considerate, withdrawn, polite, or whatever bullshit excuse you fancy. I'm tired of having to hide, having to be quiet or not completely honest, I'm tired of the judgments and accusations. The tears are coming and they won't stop. Why is it so wrong? I'm human and love comes naturally. I can't help that she has a vagina. A part of me wants to say sorry, but when I think that I get angry because I feel that there is nothing to be sorry for. It's not wrong to be in love. It's not wrong to want to express it. I'm not a freak, I don't have a disease, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm practically clutching my sides and repeating these words like a cooing chant.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.

I want to be myself but I'm afraid to.

That's so twisted.

Not fair, not right, not fathomable.

I pray that things will change

but I don't believe they will.

Life will never be that easy.

I save all my wishes for you.

Ever eyelash or dandelion,

Every time 11:11 hits the clock,

Each time a star shoots across the sky,

Or when I just feel like wishing.

Most of the time, though...

I only wish everything will be okay.