Hawaii.

Whenever I'm getting to know people one of my favorite things is to talk about how I grew up in Hawaii. Some people automatically envy me and don't push the topic, but when they ask me about it... I light up. I believe that growing up in an impressive place helps people hold onto memories, so despite being a toddler (I was there til I was 6 or 7) I still remember a lot.

Nostalgia is hitting me so hard. I'm homesick for that place.

I miss being seeing things like this outside a car or window.

I miss passing by Tripler and going "That's where I was born!" to my mommy.

I miss going to Wakiki Beach and playing in the turquoise pools of water/ocean.

I miss invading the Hale Koa hotel's pool and pouting during "adult hour".

I miss seeing these everywhere, especially on our backyard fences.

I miss finding these all over the house and giggling at mom screaming at them.

I miss going to drive-in movies (before mom and her friend Lisa got us kicked out lol)

I miss seeing rainbows everyday after a slight, comforting rain.

I miss seeing dolphins all the time and not caring about sharks.

Boy, I miss everything and I could rattle on way more than this.

Gonna go watch Lilo&Stitch now.

strange solace.

Funny thing is that the first time I watched this movie I was with Tash and only half-paying attention. Now being single, I'm incredibly happy I decided not to change the channel tonight. The computer was away and I had no one in particular to text, so I sat there giving it my full attention. And then: BAM. Everything started to sink in and I totally became involved with this movie. I cannot relate 100% because all life experiences are unique, but this time around I was truly able to look at every point of view in this movie and somehow connect it to how I feel. Tash, heartache, the mysterious agony of not knowing which way is up in a relationship or "crush" situation (cough ROCKY cough), the horrendous dynamics of what dating consists of, etc. My mouth was agape and my eyes devoured the screen with how much I fell in love with the symbolism. Dear God, I was in love for the period of time it was on. When it went off...I don't know how to describe how I felt/feel. I got into this hyper-sensitive state where I didn't know what to do with myself.

And then, of all things, I suddenly started singing in a bathroom. I was home alone tonight so I just let whatever came to my mind come out in a tune. It was so strange yet calming hearing my voice. Not to say I know how to sing, but it soothed me. Then I proceeded to do a barrage of random things. I sketched aggressive lines in a sketchbook, I took all the pictures off my camera and stored them, I wrote small tangents in my vent-book, I took random pictures in odd angles around my room, I blared music, and then decided I needed to write/type something out. So excuse the fact that is a long tangent.... I'm just getting my thoughts down. Quite frankly, I'm a mess. My mother came home drunk and crying and because of the state I'm in I regret to say that I did not have the patience tonight to soothe her. Her insecurities come out when alcohol is involved, and there's no reasoning with her. Anyway, that situation ended awkwardly and it's just another reason I needed a good vent.

Heartache has new meaning to me now, and I also am officially a fan to the movie 500 Days of Summer. I feel like I've been zoning in and out the last month since my break up and haven't really confronted my inner-feelings, so now.... (slight smile). I feel like I grew as a person, even if only a little.


Yet at the same time, these feelings are dark and morbid. I'm going to have to analyze all over again what type of person I am and what I want. More importantly, I'm committing myself to steer clear of commitment. I want to be spontaneous and in-the-moment. I want to work on me. I want to be ambitious. I want to laugh and smile, but also cry and reflect. I want to be inspired like this all the time and live on this high, this pure ecstasy, of feeling so damn-right enlightened.

That's all.

trickles

Memories like water droplets, trickling through my mind. If my head were on a hinge, you could open it up and yell down as if it were a well. Maybe toss a penny for some pithy relief on my part, and idealistically...some luck. The penny would gain speed and spiral down my esophagus, ricocheting with a bang off my heart suddenly. It pulses, it thrives, it is cracked and demented but not beyond repair. What a pain to have a heart that is eager, wanting so desperately to entangle its veins around another and feel a mutual heartbeat. I feel closed off, wanting the comfort but distancing myself with more fear of the same things that have created a pattern in my life: rejection, abandonment, neglect/ ignorance, and let's not forget the newest edition of replacement. Again I will not wallow, but I can't necessarily choke back this unwelcome stream of liquid finding it's way into the corners of my eyes and staining my face publicly.

This sickness is mostly within, so if I were to request a hug...would you call me morbid if I asked you to plunge your arms inside my body and wrap them around my heart? Would it make you uncomfortable to slide your fingers inside my brain and decode this repetitive mourning? I digress.

I will do my best to keep reality in mind first, not my assumptions or anxieties. I yearn so pathetically to be happy again, but I cannot expect it as a chore for others to accomplish. This I must confront. I will hope for the best, so that maybe when you reach inside or listen I am not an empty well with a lonely echo, but filled with vines that stretch out from a garden that grew beautifully from my own growth or progress.

So cheers, in hopes for less annoying liquid.