My clenched jaw is sore, my teeth barricade the words I want so desperately to convey. Dealing with a specific conflict is one thing, but when the problem in question is the person's very skin, I hesitate. Not her skin really, but her entire persona all together that wraps her into a cocoon that is anything but endearing at times. I have made a habit of fancying opposites in a sister, a lover, and even a best friend. "Opposites attract" holds true thus far in romance, but over the last two years the one friendship I held most dear has crumbled again and again.
In truth, I acknowledged the differences Taylor and I had even in the beginning. The difference between then and now, however, is that back then I held my tongue. I stood by that loyalty that meant friends loved each other unconditionally, and accepted her faults and all. When her faults began to get too irksome, I created distance. I didn't hang out with her for a period of time and thus the frustration melted away and I began to miss her again. Now and especially lately, though, I can't seem to brush my feelings aside when Taylor's true colors come out. I rebel even, expressing opposition to most of her viewpoints. We don't get into normal arguments. Instead, one feels that the other is backing them into a patronizing corner and our most common reaction is to be defensive and lash out. Taylor's favorite habit is to inflate conflicts by pointing fingers. She'll suddenly turn on me, pinpointing my flaws because she will literally argue her standpoint til she is blue in the face. I have learned that it is OKAY to be wrong sometimes and I can say with full confidence that unlike her I know when to quit. She, however, will only degrade herself further by feeding the fire. She holds herself high above others and can be so unbelievably ignorant despite her feelings of superiority. I'm tired of this war. Most of all, I'm tired of being the only one who fights for her. Who actually fucking tries. Instead of hiding behind the internet or her phone, she never confronts conflict directly. I called her the other night because we were texting obnoxiously and it wasn't getting anywhere. But apparently watching a movie with her "boyfriend" was too important to pause even when I left a message saying that I was also calling for the sake of our friendship. Taylor's internet relationships is one thing that has always bugged me, but I learned to accept it. There have even been times where people have started to analyze her and make fun of her but I stood up for her and told them they had no idea who she was or what she's gone through, so I shut them up. But the fact that an internet relationship was favored above a real friendship annoys me more than anyone can possibly imagine.
I didn't write this to stir up another war. Quite honestly, if Tay chooses to comment this I will delete every single one as she once did for one of my comments on hers. I wrote this to get my feelings out before I say one last goodbye. I was foolish to choose an opposite for a best friend, so a normal acquaintanceship or small friendship will be all I will tolerate between her and I.
Enough.
